hmmmm

” My weakness is that I care too much
 And my scars remind me that the past is real
 I tear my heart open just to feel ”
Papa Roach – Scars

I feel this song almost perfectly describes my situations sometimes. Please notice I use the word ‘almost’ and ‘sometimes’. Haha nevertheless, I don’t want to go into it at all, and yes everything is fine, so no worries, but it helped me to write this blog entry. Some of the things I pride myself on about my personality can also be my greatest downfalls. Isn’t that usually how it works?

I try to be honest all the time, but sometimes being brutally honest causes bad feelings. I care so much about people that it causes me to try to help too much and it sometimes, it makes me lose friends. Isn’t that ironic? Trying so hard to help someone can ultimately make them hate you?

My weakness is that i care too much. From young, I care alot about people. Esp those close to me and those who i see on a daily basis. Some people call me a pleaser..wth sia pleaser. To me, its called empathy. A lot of people do not know that word cuz they dont have it, easy as that.

I cant bear to see my friends sad, angry. I get worried when i heard someone close getting sick or havin’ fever or a sickness. Sometimes i go off the usual road to help people. And sometimes it backfires. But its ok. I’d still do it, any given day. I never expected anything in return anyway. Its all about giving, the more the better. I hope someday when i die, people are gonna remember me as a good person, not the asshole that i used to be. That’s all i want, really.

Looking back at my life, I see friends gained and friends lost . . they come and go . . some stayed . . And became my own. Some disappeared completely, for better or worse.

I look at every won and lost fight that I’ve ever had and I sometimes see myself apologizing, even when I don’t believe it is truly my fault. I hate that. I hate to apologize when I’m not at fault. The Emy Lomazzo of the past would have used his fist to make you say sorry.

But guess, I’m getting older nowadays and I find it a lil’ nonsensical to do something stupid as that anymore. But sometimes, I have to agree, a lil violence is still very much needed when all else fails. Gandhi preaches not to use violence. And he got killed by a gunshot. So fuck you Gandhi.

I am not sitting here on a throne, claiming to be a saint, I admit to my faults and screw-ups and I take them in stride. I believe this post goes with what i believed all along = life goes on. Whatever happens, happens and I truly believe there is a reason in all of it.

Life is constantly giving me reasons to be thankful to my wife and also my family who listen to me vent and offer advice, who forgive me quickly and love me and my faults, and who see the caring person that is always there.

So today I hold my head up high, confident in my heart and its good intentions even when others question my character. I smile because I think of all my friends and family and I send my love out to them.

I sigh because I am still learning from my mistakes. And I laugh instead of cringe at any awkward situations that may come of the future.

I am happy that I am still breathing, living and learning and loving.

You should be too.

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