hmmmm

Actually the truth is,  I really want to mark this entry as private and do not wish to share it to the public eye. Cuz some people will always feel offended, try to critic or judge by what I posted or write. But then again, I never really bothered by what people think and I cant’ please people all the time. Cuz just like everyone, I am only human. I have my fair share of rockstar awesomeness, cockups, happiness, sadness, good days and bad days. 

If you read the disclaimer on the right, I’ve stated that I’ve always tried to make this blog as real and honest as possible. I felt that instead of bottling it up, I should write it all down and release it out. It’s just some random thoughts & rantings, not a complaint. And since this is my blog & personal space, I felt that I have every right to do so. Thank you. 

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I am just tired. Of everything. Of everyone.

For so long, I’ve entertained myself pretty well. Through my blog, through my FB, through conversations with friends and also through my own weird sense of humor, thoughts and feelings. But lately, I’m beginning to feel and grow tired of it all.

The funny thing is, people always thought that whatever I’ve written and posted here is for them and that I really enjoy doing it. And I know, some people who read my blog or my FB sometimes just hate or dislike with some of the things that are posted and they probably thought that I’m doing all this for attention or popularity.

Well, to tell you the truth, honestly, it was all done to kill time. All that inspiring or funny status, photos, songs and writings that I posted and shared on my FB and blog, are just my thoughts, feelings and my outlook towards life in general. Seriously, I really couldn’t be bothered to really really care if there’s anyone reading or liking it or not.

I just want to be my own voice, my own thoughts and my own feelings and wrote them all down, so I can read them again & again and entertain myself silly during my free time. It was more for my own personal amusement rather than theirs.

That’s how I entertain myself & keep myself happy and occupied. I try to let some steam and anger or feelings out by doing that. Everyone got their own way in dealing with things. And that’s just my way and that’s how I do it. But for the other thoughts, the ones that I kept inside for so long, some is still very much there.  If you’ve known me long enough, you will know of how I always put other people’s interests first before of that of my own and I rarely complain and insisted on appearing happy and jovial all the time. Maybe I shouldn’t have.

Maybe it’s a mistake. For it always come at a cost. They say those with the biggest of hearts always suffer the most. Because they’re brave enough to care deeply about everything, and I mean everything. And when you’re brave enough to feel that much, yes you get to experience happiness . . . but with that also come extreme sadness.

Because the truth is, a lot of people are concerned with their own lives to actually spare a thought for others or make other people happy. Whenever I talk to majority of friends, colleagues or relatives, it’s mostly always about them and their problems. It’s a rarity that they ask me of how I am. They would go on & on talking and I would just get bored pretty fast & pretend to be interested in that conversation. They thought that since I have a positive persona and outlook and also a happy go lucky attitude, which means all, is well with me. But they’re wrong.

Truthfully, that “Thank You note” that I wrote and posted on my blog, it wasn’t really a joke. I truly meant every single word that I typed. That note is really directed to “nobody”. If you read it thoroughly, you’ll get what i mean. If you been reading or follow this blog from the start, you’ll notice that some of the things that I’ve written in my Random Thoughts segments are more or less repeated and pretty much the same. For it never left me. It’s still there.

There is a hidden anger deep inside me that’s growing and growing by the day and putting up with other people’s shit and attitude only make it worse. That’s why recently, I felt a need to release all that pent up frustrations and thoughts.

Last 2 weeks, I paid a woman $50 just to listen to me talk. And for one & a half hour, she did. Our deal was actually for an hour. But she stayed for another 30 min because she got engrossed listening at the steam that I was letting out and find it kinda interesting. And I felt good. She needed the money, I needed a listening ear. It was a good deal. Believe it or not, it was truly the best $50 I’ve ever spent. It’s pretty fucked up if you think back bout it, but that’s how bad I needed it at that point of time. And I’m glad I did.

I used to be very happy listening to people’s stories or giving advice to their problems or making them laugh. But now I grew bored of them very easily. In fact lately, I get agitated, restless and grew bored of people and places one too often. I’ve always wanted to find a friend or just someone who’s really willing to spare some time, indulge in a good conversation and listen and do what I always did to people but nobody really wants to do that dirty deed. For to me, a good conversation is always a 2 way street but nowadays, sadly, it’s always 1 way.

I used to be that cheerful guy who enjoyed life, positive in my outlook, always ask my friends out, keep the bond alive by texting and calling them to ask bout their well being from time to time. And lately, when I’ve become silent & quiet in real life, rarely people did that to me. It’s not that I expect them to, its just an observation that I notice. I know that as we get older, we all have responsibility and stuffs to take care of. And I ain’t complaining at all. It’s just a thought.

I’m a man of big dreams, ambitions, heart and of course, a mind of my own. But some people fail to know and notice that. For they never took the time. And I don’t blame them really, though sometimes, I really feel like indulging them on it. But the problem with most humans is that they are always quick to judge. They see or hear something which doesn’t suit their taste or feel and they just judge and look at you differently by what they see & make you out to be. They try to write you off every single time they can.

In a world full of materialistic boot lickers, you gotta either fit in or stand out or people will think lowly of you. Listening and humanity are a noble dying trait. Nobody appreciates or gets into other people’s shoe anymore and try and see it from another perspective other than that of their own and go all out to help others. Most people are just concerned bout their own life.

And it pisses me off. Now, with each passing day, I am getting jaded. And because of that, over time, I’ve changed. Though you see me in FB and my blog as someone who is talkative and active, in reality, I’ve become pretty much a quiet guy now.  I keep to myself these days and only once in awhile I hang out. Slowly, I am losing the will to be myself . . . the real me.

Everyday it’s just me going to the motions and live with the lies and sugarcoated truths that I feed myself with. I think one day, my dimple will probably just disappear as it’s been awhile since I truly really really smile. Usually it’s just fake or I smile just for the sake of smiling.

I’ve always said and believed that silence = death. And sadly, nowadays, I just prefer silence. Noise irritates me now. I would rather just get lost in my own thoughts and jokes and cheer myself up, which I repeat, is very unlike the old me.

And the way I see it, other than my old friends, it’s my alter ego Emy Lomazzo whom I should really thank, for he kept making the real me happy, occupied and delirious with his crazy antics, postiveness and rockstar attitude. And he truly protects and look after me really well. Sometimes, I really do not know what I’ll do without him.

Well, I don’t know what else to write anymore. I think I should wrap it up.

Hmmmm . . . Maybe I should take a personal long break from everyone and everything, like I always do whenever or every time I’m feeling down. My mind will discuss & talk with my heart & together they will come to an agreement & work something out. Yeah, maybe that’ll help me.

It’s been a long time comin’ but I guess now it’s time that I finally do something good for myself. No worries, you wlll still see me being active in my blog and FB or anywhere else on the Internet. But in real life, I’m more or less officially uncontactable.

I wish you all the best and pray that may you all be blessed with the real wealth that all humans really need – good health & happiness.

Thank you.

Yours Sincerely,
The Real Me

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