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This is the only segment where I can actually ditch my alter ego and write as myself, the real me. That always been the case with this segment, though it became more & more evident, especially lately, where I bare out my deepest thoughts and what I felt inside for all to read. Cause I rarely did that. For all this while, I’ve always kept a clear line between fact and fiction, between Emy Lomazzo and the real me. And for this post as well, there is no element of rockstar-ism at all whatsoever. Whatever’s written below came purely from the heart. My heart.   

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People who read my Random Thoughts, will never really believe it came from me. For it is really unlike the person that people usually know me as. But as I’ve decided, I decided to post it anyway and be brave about it. As I’ve stated, we are all humans, we all have our fair share of cockups, happiness, sadness, good days and also bad days.

And what’s most important, is the things that we keep inside. If left inside for too long, it can jolly well grow and grow and burn or eat you up. And I really don’t want that to happen to me. I’m glad that I actually wrote it all out over here. For a few days after that, I felt a lot better. And then I realised and appreciated it all over again, of how wonderful life really is. It felt really good, it’s like like having a livid sense of satisfaction and europhia surrounding me. And just like that, I was instantly back to my usual positive self.

See . . if it’s one thing in life that I’m proud of about me, is that, I recover fast. And I move on from the past steadily and instead, look forward fearlessly to facing the future. For the past is indeed a nice place to visit, but certainly not a good place to stay. And one of the many things I’ve learned from growing up, is not to let things affect you hugely. Of course, it can’t be denied, that sometimes tragedy occurs and things we don’t really wish to happen, will happen. But at the end of the day, I guess, it’s how you deal with it that’s of outmost importance.

As they say, the only difference between a good and a bad day is your attitude. And it’s true. You may have a bad day or something bad may have happened to you or your closed ones, and of course it will affect you one way or another. But if you let it bring you down to the depths of worry, despair, and even to the point of depression, then you only have yourself to blame. But then again, I’m even more aware, that saying is always better than doing.

But I’m guess that’s why we all have a lifetime to live. To correct our mistakes and learn from them, to put words into actions, to learn what’s wrong from right and lastly, to learn from good and bad judgement. For good judgment comes from experience, and unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. The best thing about growing up, as all we all know, is that you learn. Even to your dying breath, there are still a lot more things to learn. Yeah, it aint easy but I guess over time, I’ll learn slowly. And I guess that’s what’s life’s mainly about.

Having positive and good people in my life and around me helps a lot too. They not only motivate or make me feel good, vibrant and have a postive mindset, but the real truth is, by having them in my life, they make me into a better person altogether. For that, I’m truly blessed.

One such person is my legendary grandma. This year, she’ll be turning 98 years old. And to me, she’s a living legend and has a huge positive influence in my life. Her life while growing up is never really easy. Having worked in a malaysian king’s palace as a servant as young as 13, adopted by different parents throughout her life, been through the horrors of World War II, experienced the racial riots of 64′ and other historical landmarks, raised 9 children, 3 died in childbirth, and as a result, have tasted more salt than the normal average person, and is still alive to tell the tale. Without a doubt, for her age, she more or less have seen it, been there and done that.

I used to listen to her one too many stories in awe. Some epic, some classic, some funny and some are just sad and devastating. And of course, after having been through all that, she’s happy to share her stories to people who wanna listen. And most of us would. She would then teach us the basic meanings of some good naturedness values that most of us, the younger generation seems to have forgotten. And how to overcome adversities in life and deal with challenges. And of course, to my female cousins and aunties, her sharing of advice, knowledge and also wisdom of being a woman, knowing or playing the role of one is invaluable.

Me and her, we are quite close. And as my dad is her favourite son, that makes me her favourite grandson by default. And true to my nature, I never took that given – title for granted, and decided to ‘earn’ it myself over my growing up years. Where other cousins give money every time they come visit her, I gave her ciggarettes. For everytime her ciggarettes’ about to finish, she would call and ask me to buy em’ the next time I come to visit her. And I wasted no time in doing so. Since young,  I always tend to do things differently and unexpectedly and I guess she kinda always liked me for it.

In my free time, I would talk to her and layan her and made her tell her stories. And some stories are of course repeated and some of em’, I’ve  heard it like a thousand times over and over again but gradually over time, I learn and noticed that mostly, the elderly people ever want in their old age, is just your listening year and attention and your time. They don’t really want your money or your gifts, just your attention and acknowledgement of their seniority, experience and existence. And that’s exactly what I did. And I know she loved me for it.

But it was something she told me some years ago that I will never forget and hold dear to this very day. I still remember her exact words to me, in 2008. She was 93 at that time. As usual, she was happily talking and making me listen to her stories and then telling me her daily healthy diet that includes no red meat at all. Only fish, vegetables, fruits and only a tiny portion of rice. She kept and maintained that regime ever sice she was a teenager. And of course, all that that work and hard life made her slim as a vase over the years and free from illnesses.

And then I remarked  : “Wah grandma, hot bad huh, you smoke all your life and yet still free of illnesses and still in good health. Maybe it’s your healthy diet that you keep that’s helping you a lot. May you have a long and healthy live for many years to come”

She didnt’t smile. Instead, she got lost in thoughts as she looked at me blankly for quite some time. As I was wondering if I said anything wrong, she then told me in a serious tone : 

“You know Emy, the best thing about growing older is that you get to see all the benefits of your hard work and struggles pay off. That makes you real happy, to see your rewards. But also remember, as you grow older and older like me, you will see your loved ones die one by one. Especially the elder and loved ones. You have to accept it whole heartedly and face it bravely. It’s all part and parcel of life. Everything that has lived, will die one day. Do not be scared of death, but instead, be scared of life. For life will make you to be scared of death. So, don’t be”

Those were her exact words. Of course, it doesn’t end there. She continued on to dvelve and elaborate on whatever she’d just say into things which some of em’ touch on religion, which I shall not post here, as promised. But to me, those words quoted above were very powerful enough. It’s something I hold on to dearly ever since. For I know, when she said that, it was from experience and knowledge gained over the years. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the greatest advice given to me by anyone in my entire life.

And as I’m writing down all this now, my grandma is fighting for her life in hospital. It’s her first time ever being warded in her entire 98 years of life. Yeah, she have no major illnesses at all to this very day which amazed doctors but as she get older and older, her body immune system and resistance finally gave way. I gotta admit, it totally suxx to see her lying there on the hospital bed and all wired up. It makes me kinda sad. Sad of losing her. But then, her golden words that she told me 4 years ago came back back to my mind. And instantly, it made me brave and ready to accept the full gravity of it all.

And face it bravely I did. I didnt wallow in self pity nor I go around telling people about it and asking for theirs. I only told to friends that are really close to me. And as usual, I still try to remain as normal as possible, still crack jokes or laughters and still talk normally. It’s not that it doesnt affect me at all. It does. It does . . a lot.

Over the years, I lost a couple of people close to me too. Friends, colleagues, close relatives and also family members of friends. And just as my grandma said, as you get older, the number will only get higher. A forthnight ago, an ex colleauge passed away. A week ago, my ex boss pass away. Three days ago, a close relative passed away.

And last night, my brother’s girlfriend’s grandma passed away. My deepest condolences to her. I was with him when he got the news from his girlfriend. She was close to her grandma as well. Yeah, I know and understand how she must have felt at that time. And it kinda make me feel sad also, for I immediately thought about my own grandma as well.

But I decided to let not the sadness overcome me for long. For I’ve learned over the years, being sad will only make you sadder. And when you get sad, you tend to keep it inside for quite some time. And when that sadness stays inside for too long, over time, it will turn to anger. And then you will start blaming yourself for everything. Aint that true ?

That’s why as I’ve said above, I’ve decided that no matter what challenge or adversity faced in life, I gotta face it bravely, accept it and try my best to stay as positive as possible. And having positive people around you is extremely important. To quite simply put it, life has still gotta go on, no matter whether you like it or not.

Hence, that’s why I still find, post and write stuffs for my blog and also concentrate on work and other activities. Not only did they help to keep me busy, but they also help to take my mind off things. Things I shouldn’t be thinking. And by writing this post down today, I felt a great sense of satisfaction and pride in doing so. I don’t know why, but I do.

Normality has to be resumed. I don’t think it’s right to let my feelings or sadness to affect my work, other people and also their work. I gotta know and learn on how to draw the line well, which is exactly what I did. And I’ll try to do my best in the future to come. As for currently, everyday after work, I make that trip to the hospital to see and visit my grandma and then spend time with family or close friends. Yeahg, that’s the daily routine lately.

And of course, through it all, I never stopped praying for her well being and recovery. And I hope you all do too.

Thank you for reading.

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