A Realization That Hits Home

Elvis have left the building my friends. I gotta go find my own feet & get down to brass tracks. It had been good but currently, its as about as exciting as watching paint dry. To me, variety is the spice of life, not making do.

Our age is the about the same, we grew up together, but now, our roads are very much different. We got all got our own lives and challenges & journeys to face . .

We are all chasing our own dreams and our own happiness, and sometimes our set of ideals don’t match up . .

Of course it sucks, but that’s what growing up’s all about. I have only realised and accepted it today. Maybe I’m slow to realize cuz I’m left handed and my thinking is kinda different.

Or maybe i simply refuse to realize it all along, but now i have. But one things for sure, at the end of day, we’re still bros. I’ll still be there for you guys no matter what happens.

And that’s for sure.

I only realised it today when i told my friends about my plans to go on a cruise trip alone this April. And the reaction wasnt what i was expecting. They thought the fact that i go alone, must be due to the fact that I’m either emo, sad, simply confused and just needed private time to think properly. And they were saying and asking why should i go alone ?

You got to be kiddin’ me rite? I tried to explain but its 2am and my mind’s kinda slow to think at that tyme for a perfect answer. So what i wanted to say didnt really hit home. But thank God, they changed the topic shortly after.

And i cant help but think, why cant i travel or go on a fuckin cruise alone ? Do i really have to need a gf or friends to do so? Seriously?

Ok, truth is, since 2005, my dream was always to go on a cruise. At that time, i had a Gf whom i always include in my plans. Sometimes i kinda missed her. Not due to love. Its due to the fact that she’s as on and as spontaneous and as crazy as i am. Its always adventure. If i wanted to canoe, she will say “ok go”.

If i wanted to do archery, she will say “ok go”. If i wanted to see a movie and then just chill at starbux, she will say “ok go”. And my saturdays was never boring. We tried out alot of new and crazy stuffs and had fun together.

And cuz of that, the adventurous side of me to try out new things has never died, till now. I am always old enuff to say “I’ve done it” and young enough to do it again.

A fuckin anterior cruciate ligament and a torn meniscus didnt stop me. So the only thing which i wanted to do and haven’t done till now is to go on a fuckin cruise. Its been a long time coming.

Ok, so, she’s not here anymore. She’s with another guy now. A nice guy who provided her with security, and wealth and also time and attention. But she’s still not happy. She will not literally say it but I know her well enough. Her boyfriend kept wondering what else should he do to make her happy. Kinda sad rite, but truth is dude, I spoilt your market. I am sorry for that.

Hmmm . . Or maybe not.

Even with the next gf after her, i adopted the same approach. She’s less enthusiastic about all this but nevertheless enjoyed it. And i enjoyed it too. But as time goes by, she grew tired of it quite fast and wanted to settle down so that she could get out of her fuckin house cuz her relationship with her mum has deteriorated. And her dad simply spoilt her with wealth. But got no time for her. So its just a Hi-Hi, Bye-Bye kinda relationship with her dad and mum over the years.

You gotta be kidding me rite, if you cant get along with your mum or dad, who’s been taking care of you, gave you a house to live in, gave food and money and love and education for a quarter of a century, then how the fuck can you get along with me in the long run? Its as easy as that. So fuck off you go!

Which brings back to the cruise story. Sorry for the sidetrack.

So i am single. And i saw this good deal on the net of a cruise to nowhere that 2day – 1nite for just $180, too good to be true rite. And the offer expires in two days. So u’ll think i pass it off and wait till i find a gf or just find some one special or ask my friends whether they interested and then only go for it?

Nope, I bought it on impulse. And I felt good. And proud. That i still have the desire to do something as crazy as going on a trip alone. But I intended to make it low profile cuz somehow my gut feeling tells me that some people wont understand if i told them.

And i was right. My gut feeling has never failed me time and again. Last Sat, I told a friend and he seemed to be affected and concerned by it. And last night, he made me tell everyone, whose reactions was the basis of this blog entry.

Maybe you guys were thinking if i am sad or just needed a get away cuz i seem to have a hard time, relationship-wise. Maybe you all thought that she was the reason why i took this decision to go alone, to think better. That she was just taking me for a ride. And tat is making me feel fuck-up. And that is just my own way of dealing with this. Maybe that’s what you thought. Well, there could be 1001 reasons as to why.

But I assure you, its none of the above. The truth is, guys, of course i wanna do it (the cruise) with people i love. Be it with that someone or with friends like you guys. But you all got your own lives now. I do not wish to text you every sat or even now and then, and ask “any plans?” cuz i know you are busy with your own plans. Be it with your special someone, wife, work or even family.

But somehow i still thickened my skin to text you guys and  gather us all, be it for a coffee, chillout, makan or even bday surprises. I played my part in keeping the bond alive. I tried.

But outings like these, its kinda hard to plan. If you all remember, our paintball outing takes a year to materialize. and till now we have talked of our universal studios outing together or even our trip to JB for go-kart as a big group but have still yet to happen?

That’s my point. If I wait, i be old by then!

So why should i limit myself the fun that i’m entitled to. So what if if i am single? I can still have fun rite and do things that i wanna do. I am still not tied down yet but one day i will. and i know for sure, that nothing is gonna stop me from doing the things i love to do.

Its just with ‘who’ i do these things, it could be you guys, other friends, colleagues, special someone, anyone, and if i cant think of anyone else, i do em’ alone.

I don’t find it pathetic. Or sad. But coming from your shoes, I understand why you guys are feeling’ that way.

I thank you all for your concern and it really makes me happy to know that after so many many years of friendship, we still show care and concern bout each other. And the brotherly love that we have for each other is still intact. I can never find friends like you peeps anymore. I am truly blessed.

If you’re reading this, I hope you are not offended with whatever i have said above. Its just what i feel. Cuz i have always believed that i express myself better with writing than with speech.

And I have realized even though our road are now different over the years, we are still very much growing up and learning. Its a discovery of your own true self and the people around you. And we got to learn to accept changes.

Sometimes, I can never understand you guys fully and you too can never understand me fully. But at least we tried. And for that I thank you.